< WARNING >
This post will be personal
< WARNING >
At this point in my life, I guess I'm fairly content, have the days were I am happy and that nothing else matters, and then have those days where everything is shit, and there is no point. I think I mess alot of things up that could potentially make me happy. I know what I want in my head, its there, but as soon as it gets close, feels as though without knowing I just push it right away. Feel as though I just need someone to just guide me the right way, and not let me push them away, as much as I try. I think my worst fear is to get so far into something and then to come out hurt and lost... been there and don't want to go back there, would like for someone to show me that it wont have to be like that.
Though as much as I say all this and that I would like someone and that, I'm not sure if its the fear of getting hurt, but I don't think I could deal with a relationship right now. Would be nice for someone to be there, but then I think again I would be scared that they would end up hurting me, or that I would just end up being a bitch and letting them down. Who knows, maybe one day, there will be that one person who will come and prove me wrong?
I hate how that films and programmes when you were little always showed the story of girl meets boy, or boy meets girl and what ever happens at the start and in the middle, by the end they always live happily ever after, and that when you get older songs of boys wanting to catch bombs for you, travelling to the moon and back just to say they love you, but if you come out of that world and into reality, its nothing like that. It's just full of false images, and if there is one thing I will ever teach my children whenever or if I ever have any, would be that you need to have your heartbroken before it gets fixed, or to just stay away from everything and not to care, just live life and have fun with friends.
I've always been jealous of a certain best friend (who I wont mention name) due to the fact that they have never really had any interest in boys, love, sex or anything like that, and they are the happiest person I have ever met, and as soon as they did get a boyfriend, it was like all the life was taken out of her. I wish some days that I would just not have any interest in boys and such..
I would like to stop, being that girl that is good to know for a while, but then all of a sudden its the wrong time, or if I have come sooner or later it would have been perfect, done being the girl falling for the wrong guys. Though there are certain people I don't and never will give up on...
This post is not all about boys though, because that's not the only thing on my mind at the moment.
Uni is on my mind at the moment as well.
Its a strange thought that within 4 months, first year will be over...
I have learnt so much about myself and who I am, and over the next 2/3 years I will learn more.
Its weird to think where I or the friends I've made whilst at uni will be?
Will I still know the people I know now? Would I have made it to the end? What will happen after uni? Will I be alone?
As the person I am, security and reassurance is a big thing, even though I deny it sometimes, but it is. Just thinking about what will happen in the future, what it will be like, is an anxious thought. Yet knowing that at the moment I'm doing fairly well with uni work is a thought that I will make it to the end, and if everything turns into shit, I have the ability to just get away from everything and start new all over again. That thought is one that makes me feel less trapped.
The question though, "experience uni life" What does that mean???
I'm done talking about things on my mind, some things should be left un-published
However do not get this post wrong, I am happy with my life, as things could be a lot worse!
But with a few changes I could be a lot happier, but being happy is good enough.
Follow x
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