Was debating with myself for a few months wherever or not to do this post... but I have decided its either that or I rant on about something meaningless... and as this is "The life story of Nessa" and anxiety is a major part of my life I might as well post about it? Though I am hoping that posting about this isnt going to end in a massive judgement etc... though not alot of people read this blog anyway :) (only 14 according to my followers...)
So here we go....
My parents have always said I have been a very nervous, anxious child... always worried about doing things, at school when I was little I would be known as the shy kid... the quiet one... but really I was just thinking of all the bad things that could happen if I spoke out, or if I put my hand up, if I played a certain game etc... and even when the doctor diagnosed me with anxiety, she also said I've always been jumpy.
I never knew I had anxiety problems... because everyone worries about things, and stresses about them... but at around the age of 14 things started to get a bit worse... I begun freaking out a lot over small things.... getting extremely angry, emotional and feeling as though I had been placed under a glass jar. I also started experiencing sleepless nights... in which I would sleep for 3 hours and wake up, feeling as though the air was full of dust and that there was no oxygen in the world... and that I needed water... in which even when I had pint after pint of water, and had the window wide open, it still felt as though there was no air and that something heavy was pressing hard onto my chest. Though I was 14.... so my parents and even me thought it is just how things are, teenager etc... so things were left...
A year on and I started experiencing mild pains in my arm, and chest.... though as a 15 year old teenager... I kept most things to myself, and was only concerned about having fun with friends, though as the year went on stomach cramps were frequent and my appetite was extremely up and down, ... in which I visited the doctors about.. though she came to the conclusion it was most likely stress due to GCSE's. So on I went.
However within sixth form things really hit hard. The pains in my chest got a lot worse, in which some times I would fall down to the floor with agony, the sensation in my arm got worse as well with it going weak, and I begun to have strong sharp pains when I breathed... Though after a maximum of half an hour I would be alright... My parents and even friends were worried when I had these episodes... and most of my friends said that they thought I was having a heart attack... in which we nick named my episodes as "having a heart attack" and in all honesty I have never had a heart attack... but it felt like I was having one.. my heart felt as though it was pumping 100x more than it should and that it might push itself out of my chest, my chest felt tight, when I breathed it sent a sharp stabbing pain, my stomach cramped, my head hurt and felt as though someone was punching me in the head, and my arm went limp and tingly... :/ All of this got worse...
I started to become even more stressed with these "heart attacks" and became tired alot, and begun to worry alot more about people around me... it felt as though there was not a lot of air, and that time was speeding up very fast... which is a weird sensation to feel as though time is moving at a fast pace and then you moving as slow as a snail. Near the end of year 12.... I decided enough was enough... I needed to know what was happening to me... so I went to the doctors and explained the pains in my chest, arm and breathing.... a few tests were done... and the doctor diagnosed me with anxiety.
I guess when she told me that... I was relieved that it wasn't a heart problem... though I would rather her of said that it was just a simple problem..
It was explained to me, that my brain believes that sometimes I cant breathe.... which is silly... because it thinks that whilst I am breathing.... Obviously my brain is me... so technically I think that I cant breathe... when in fact I am breathing.... As well as that... with large amount of people, I (my brain) goes in to some sort of overdrive... in which I cant move, breathe and sends my body into a massive tingle/stiffness, and makes me feel as though I am being smothered by a massive blanket, and pushed into a fire? (weird I know)... I know a load of people experience problems when public speaking as well.. but if you imagine how you feel.... to me that is 1000x worse. With anxiety I also experience mild insomnia... which if I am about to go to sleep and then for example I remember that I need to clean my room... even if I am extremely tired and have had an active day I will have to get up and clean... otherwise I can not sleep.
As well as the physical side... there are a ton of psychological issues as well..... all of the time, (even when im on my own) I feel as though I am being watched and judged... which to be honest is not a nice feeling to have, and it also affects my behaviour. When in class and if I am on my own (and sometimes when I am with friends), I cant concentrate due to the fact I feel as though I am being stared at, which makes me worry that people are thinking bad things, or something bad is about to happen. I see the worse in every situation... which affects friendships and relationships.. I am extremely jumpy all the time, which when walking to places or around town on my own... I feel as though someone may be following me and that they are about to kill me. (which most people will laugh about... but if I could help it, I would stop thinking like that) Most of the time... I feel as though I am about to die.. or that something very bad is about to happen... My mind runs through scenarios in every place I am... as for example I am at home and I am constantly thinking of what if the house is on fire or being burgled and how I would get out of that.. I absolutely hate thinking and feeling that something bad is going to happen or that I am dying... because it is stupid, and it makes me so angry that I have to feel like that... because believe me I have tried hard to not think like that... because when I think so in depth with it... I get an anxiety attack, which are totally not pleasant... and the attacks don't just happen when I think about situations regarding dying or getting hurt... but they happen just walking around shops... and I get an anxiety attack because there are a few too many people in the shop. I get them sitting down or laying down because I think I cant breathe when I can... I get them if I get too angry... or too sad... and IT SUCKS!!!
Even now just blogging about it, my arm is getting tingly and my legs are getting warm and tingly and I can feel my chest tightening... :/
-Sigh-
Now that I have gone a few years with these sort of attacks... I know when they are coming, hence forth if I begin to get a hot flush for no reason, if my chest feels tight, body tingles, painful headache and foot taps uncontrollably .... that's when I know I am close to having an attack...
There are ways though... that I can control/stop having an attack... as for example I usually clench my left arm with my right hand... or in some cases dig into my arm/scratch it... which sounds dodgey and that it is something I shouldn't do... but it relaxes me... because when you feel as though the WHOLE WORLD is watching you... and you are unsure of EVERYTHING... finding some way of relaxing yourself, is a peace of mind.
I know to most people who didn't know any of this... think that I come across as an outgoing person, who is happy and lives for the moment... and yeah that is me.... but that is me, because being that person who is dramatic about everything... helps hide the anxiety and also I like to go into a different mindset, and force myself not to think about anything but having fun and not thinking about bad things.....
Well I think I am going to stop there with this post... as it is half 12 in the morning... and I am tired... and getting emotional about writing about all of this... (another flaw of anxiety... constantly emotional... which is getting worse as well) I will most likely post again about it..
But until then...
This is Nessa..
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