Wednesday, 13 July 2011
Tuesday, 28 June 2011
I got a bit addicted..
Well I have just recently discorved "stumble" which is an application that when clicking a button it finds you pages on the internet... they could be simple websites, videos and pictures....
The pictures are AMAZING!!! and my files are getting full of amazing pictures.... in which I am now going to share on this blog!! :)
These are only a few of them...
The pictures are AMAZING!!! and my files are getting full of amazing pictures.... in which I am now going to share on this blog!! :)
These are only a few of them...
Sunday, 12 June 2011
Living with anxiety
Was debating with myself for a few months wherever or not to do this post... but I have decided its either that or I rant on about something meaningless... and as this is "The life story of Nessa" and anxiety is a major part of my life I might as well post about it? Though I am hoping that posting about this isnt going to end in a massive judgement etc... though not alot of people read this blog anyway :) (only 14 according to my followers...)
So here we go....
My parents have always said I have been a very nervous, anxious child... always worried about doing things, at school when I was little I would be known as the shy kid... the quiet one... but really I was just thinking of all the bad things that could happen if I spoke out, or if I put my hand up, if I played a certain game etc... and even when the doctor diagnosed me with anxiety, she also said I've always been jumpy.
I never knew I had anxiety problems... because everyone worries about things, and stresses about them... but at around the age of 14 things started to get a bit worse... I begun freaking out a lot over small things.... getting extremely angry, emotional and feeling as though I had been placed under a glass jar. I also started experiencing sleepless nights... in which I would sleep for 3 hours and wake up, feeling as though the air was full of dust and that there was no oxygen in the world... and that I needed water... in which even when I had pint after pint of water, and had the window wide open, it still felt as though there was no air and that something heavy was pressing hard onto my chest. Though I was 14.... so my parents and even me thought it is just how things are, teenager etc... so things were left...
A year on and I started experiencing mild pains in my arm, and chest.... though as a 15 year old teenager... I kept most things to myself, and was only concerned about having fun with friends, though as the year went on stomach cramps were frequent and my appetite was extremely up and down, ... in which I visited the doctors about.. though she came to the conclusion it was most likely stress due to GCSE's. So on I went.
However within sixth form things really hit hard. The pains in my chest got a lot worse, in which some times I would fall down to the floor with agony, the sensation in my arm got worse as well with it going weak, and I begun to have strong sharp pains when I breathed... Though after a maximum of half an hour I would be alright... My parents and even friends were worried when I had these episodes... and most of my friends said that they thought I was having a heart attack... in which we nick named my episodes as "having a heart attack" and in all honesty I have never had a heart attack... but it felt like I was having one.. my heart felt as though it was pumping 100x more than it should and that it might push itself out of my chest, my chest felt tight, when I breathed it sent a sharp stabbing pain, my stomach cramped, my head hurt and felt as though someone was punching me in the head, and my arm went limp and tingly... :/ All of this got worse...
I started to become even more stressed with these "heart attacks" and became tired alot, and begun to worry alot more about people around me... it felt as though there was not a lot of air, and that time was speeding up very fast... which is a weird sensation to feel as though time is moving at a fast pace and then you moving as slow as a snail. Near the end of year 12.... I decided enough was enough... I needed to know what was happening to me... so I went to the doctors and explained the pains in my chest, arm and breathing.... a few tests were done... and the doctor diagnosed me with anxiety.
I guess when she told me that... I was relieved that it wasn't a heart problem... though I would rather her of said that it was just a simple problem..
It was explained to me, that my brain believes that sometimes I cant breathe.... which is silly... because it thinks that whilst I am breathing.... Obviously my brain is me... so technically I think that I cant breathe... when in fact I am breathing.... As well as that... with large amount of people, I (my brain) goes in to some sort of overdrive... in which I cant move, breathe and sends my body into a massive tingle/stiffness, and makes me feel as though I am being smothered by a massive blanket, and pushed into a fire? (weird I know)... I know a load of people experience problems when public speaking as well.. but if you imagine how you feel.... to me that is 1000x worse. With anxiety I also experience mild insomnia... which if I am about to go to sleep and then for example I remember that I need to clean my room... even if I am extremely tired and have had an active day I will have to get up and clean... otherwise I can not sleep.
As well as the physical side... there are a ton of psychological issues as well..... all of the time, (even when im on my own) I feel as though I am being watched and judged... which to be honest is not a nice feeling to have, and it also affects my behaviour. When in class and if I am on my own (and sometimes when I am with friends), I cant concentrate due to the fact I feel as though I am being stared at, which makes me worry that people are thinking bad things, or something bad is about to happen. I see the worse in every situation... which affects friendships and relationships.. I am extremely jumpy all the time, which when walking to places or around town on my own... I feel as though someone may be following me and that they are about to kill me. (which most people will laugh about... but if I could help it, I would stop thinking like that) Most of the time... I feel as though I am about to die.. or that something very bad is about to happen... My mind runs through scenarios in every place I am... as for example I am at home and I am constantly thinking of what if the house is on fire or being burgled and how I would get out of that.. I absolutely hate thinking and feeling that something bad is going to happen or that I am dying... because it is stupid, and it makes me so angry that I have to feel like that... because believe me I have tried hard to not think like that... because when I think so in depth with it... I get an anxiety attack, which are totally not pleasant... and the attacks don't just happen when I think about situations regarding dying or getting hurt... but they happen just walking around shops... and I get an anxiety attack because there are a few too many people in the shop. I get them sitting down or laying down because I think I cant breathe when I can... I get them if I get too angry... or too sad... and IT SUCKS!!!
Even now just blogging about it, my arm is getting tingly and my legs are getting warm and tingly and I can feel my chest tightening... :/
-Sigh-
Now that I have gone a few years with these sort of attacks... I know when they are coming, hence forth if I begin to get a hot flush for no reason, if my chest feels tight, body tingles, painful headache and foot taps uncontrollably .... that's when I know I am close to having an attack...
There are ways though... that I can control/stop having an attack... as for example I usually clench my left arm with my right hand... or in some cases dig into my arm/scratch it... which sounds dodgey and that it is something I shouldn't do... but it relaxes me... because when you feel as though the WHOLE WORLD is watching you... and you are unsure of EVERYTHING... finding some way of relaxing yourself, is a peace of mind.
I know to most people who didn't know any of this... think that I come across as an outgoing person, who is happy and lives for the moment... and yeah that is me.... but that is me, because being that person who is dramatic about everything... helps hide the anxiety and also I like to go into a different mindset, and force myself not to think about anything but having fun and not thinking about bad things.....
Well I think I am going to stop there with this post... as it is half 12 in the morning... and I am tired... and getting emotional about writing about all of this... (another flaw of anxiety... constantly emotional... which is getting worse as well) I will most likely post again about it..
But until then...
This is Nessa..
Follow if you wish..
So here we go....
My parents have always said I have been a very nervous, anxious child... always worried about doing things, at school when I was little I would be known as the shy kid... the quiet one... but really I was just thinking of all the bad things that could happen if I spoke out, or if I put my hand up, if I played a certain game etc... and even when the doctor diagnosed me with anxiety, she also said I've always been jumpy.
I never knew I had anxiety problems... because everyone worries about things, and stresses about them... but at around the age of 14 things started to get a bit worse... I begun freaking out a lot over small things.... getting extremely angry, emotional and feeling as though I had been placed under a glass jar. I also started experiencing sleepless nights... in which I would sleep for 3 hours and wake up, feeling as though the air was full of dust and that there was no oxygen in the world... and that I needed water... in which even when I had pint after pint of water, and had the window wide open, it still felt as though there was no air and that something heavy was pressing hard onto my chest. Though I was 14.... so my parents and even me thought it is just how things are, teenager etc... so things were left...
A year on and I started experiencing mild pains in my arm, and chest.... though as a 15 year old teenager... I kept most things to myself, and was only concerned about having fun with friends, though as the year went on stomach cramps were frequent and my appetite was extremely up and down, ... in which I visited the doctors about.. though she came to the conclusion it was most likely stress due to GCSE's. So on I went.
However within sixth form things really hit hard. The pains in my chest got a lot worse, in which some times I would fall down to the floor with agony, the sensation in my arm got worse as well with it going weak, and I begun to have strong sharp pains when I breathed... Though after a maximum of half an hour I would be alright... My parents and even friends were worried when I had these episodes... and most of my friends said that they thought I was having a heart attack... in which we nick named my episodes as "having a heart attack" and in all honesty I have never had a heart attack... but it felt like I was having one.. my heart felt as though it was pumping 100x more than it should and that it might push itself out of my chest, my chest felt tight, when I breathed it sent a sharp stabbing pain, my stomach cramped, my head hurt and felt as though someone was punching me in the head, and my arm went limp and tingly... :/ All of this got worse...
I started to become even more stressed with these "heart attacks" and became tired alot, and begun to worry alot more about people around me... it felt as though there was not a lot of air, and that time was speeding up very fast... which is a weird sensation to feel as though time is moving at a fast pace and then you moving as slow as a snail. Near the end of year 12.... I decided enough was enough... I needed to know what was happening to me... so I went to the doctors and explained the pains in my chest, arm and breathing.... a few tests were done... and the doctor diagnosed me with anxiety.
I guess when she told me that... I was relieved that it wasn't a heart problem... though I would rather her of said that it was just a simple problem..
It was explained to me, that my brain believes that sometimes I cant breathe.... which is silly... because it thinks that whilst I am breathing.... Obviously my brain is me... so technically I think that I cant breathe... when in fact I am breathing.... As well as that... with large amount of people, I (my brain) goes in to some sort of overdrive... in which I cant move, breathe and sends my body into a massive tingle/stiffness, and makes me feel as though I am being smothered by a massive blanket, and pushed into a fire? (weird I know)... I know a load of people experience problems when public speaking as well.. but if you imagine how you feel.... to me that is 1000x worse. With anxiety I also experience mild insomnia... which if I am about to go to sleep and then for example I remember that I need to clean my room... even if I am extremely tired and have had an active day I will have to get up and clean... otherwise I can not sleep.
As well as the physical side... there are a ton of psychological issues as well..... all of the time, (even when im on my own) I feel as though I am being watched and judged... which to be honest is not a nice feeling to have, and it also affects my behaviour. When in class and if I am on my own (and sometimes when I am with friends), I cant concentrate due to the fact I feel as though I am being stared at, which makes me worry that people are thinking bad things, or something bad is about to happen. I see the worse in every situation... which affects friendships and relationships.. I am extremely jumpy all the time, which when walking to places or around town on my own... I feel as though someone may be following me and that they are about to kill me. (which most people will laugh about... but if I could help it, I would stop thinking like that) Most of the time... I feel as though I am about to die.. or that something very bad is about to happen... My mind runs through scenarios in every place I am... as for example I am at home and I am constantly thinking of what if the house is on fire or being burgled and how I would get out of that.. I absolutely hate thinking and feeling that something bad is going to happen or that I am dying... because it is stupid, and it makes me so angry that I have to feel like that... because believe me I have tried hard to not think like that... because when I think so in depth with it... I get an anxiety attack, which are totally not pleasant... and the attacks don't just happen when I think about situations regarding dying or getting hurt... but they happen just walking around shops... and I get an anxiety attack because there are a few too many people in the shop. I get them sitting down or laying down because I think I cant breathe when I can... I get them if I get too angry... or too sad... and IT SUCKS!!!
Even now just blogging about it, my arm is getting tingly and my legs are getting warm and tingly and I can feel my chest tightening... :/
-Sigh-
Now that I have gone a few years with these sort of attacks... I know when they are coming, hence forth if I begin to get a hot flush for no reason, if my chest feels tight, body tingles, painful headache and foot taps uncontrollably .... that's when I know I am close to having an attack...
There are ways though... that I can control/stop having an attack... as for example I usually clench my left arm with my right hand... or in some cases dig into my arm/scratch it... which sounds dodgey and that it is something I shouldn't do... but it relaxes me... because when you feel as though the WHOLE WORLD is watching you... and you are unsure of EVERYTHING... finding some way of relaxing yourself, is a peace of mind.
I know to most people who didn't know any of this... think that I come across as an outgoing person, who is happy and lives for the moment... and yeah that is me.... but that is me, because being that person who is dramatic about everything... helps hide the anxiety and also I like to go into a different mindset, and force myself not to think about anything but having fun and not thinking about bad things.....
Well I think I am going to stop there with this post... as it is half 12 in the morning... and I am tired... and getting emotional about writing about all of this... (another flaw of anxiety... constantly emotional... which is getting worse as well) I will most likely post again about it..
But until then...
This is Nessa..
Follow if you wish..
Saturday, 28 May 2011
Belief
I'm not a perfect, nor good Christian.... sometimes I don't even class myself as one... but I am going to blog about my faith in this post... even though it is most likely going to be trolled upon by people... but I have been inspired by my friend Angela.. who blogs about her faith openly on facebook... and also who cares if some people think your totally nuts... everyone has there own beliefs... and it is a good thing to understand and respect them... well that's what I reckon anyway.
So if your going to give me hate for writing about this, then stop reading :)
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For anyone who actually knows what I am like....... they would most likely laugh at me for saying I am religious.... I know I have sinned alot.... but not in the way where I have gone out and killed someone..... just in the way of gone out and got drunk.... alot... etc.... but in my own view (in which alot of people think is wrong) I do not think that the bible that is written, works for the modern world that we live in today.... in which is why I have decided that instead of to take it word by word, to adapt it into the modern world that we live in today. Most religious people, and most people's thoughts about religious people are that they are strict and that they follow everything in there religion to the T etc.... but I don't think religion should be like that... I think that as long as you have faith that God is there, and to trust in him to give you opportunities, strengths and a life plan, and you show him your thankful for it all, as well as don't sin in the way of killing, hurting people and just doing nasty things, then surely that should be good enough?
In a way I am confused with what I believe in, as there are sooo many different religions and cultures out there, so many different names for the one "thing" that is helping to guide us, but then in a way I am not, I know what I truly believe in, I just don't really categorize myself as such.
I feel as though there is something... wherever that something is called God or not.... I feel as though there is something guiding me through life, and helping me through situations..... and to be honest, having that feeling, is comforting, to know that even if you are feeling so beaten down, there is someone there looking over you, and making sure things will be okay. I believe that God has given us all a path, and things that happen, will happen for a reason, in which we as individuals will analysis for ourselves.
I will admit now, I do pray everyday, because I believe that it is a way to show my trust and loyalty to God, and my own little faith.
Some people may say that there is no God, and that it is unfair if there is one because he causes so much pain in other parts of the world... and fair enough to them who think that, I respect what they believe in.... but at the end of the day, I don't believe that...... yeah there are some tragic events occurring in the world, but that does not mean God is not trying to help.... because with good comes evil, and as so I also believe there is some sort of Devil who tempts us, who is the reason why bad things happen. Unfair I know.
I feel that believing in God for me is helpful, and the thought makes me feel safe, even though there is bad out there, I have hope.
I do though understand why people would choose not to believe in it, due to all new scientific evidence and such.... and ironic as it is... I do also believe in the big bang and all that jazz.... but I believe that God made that all happen? Some of you who are reading this may be like "WHAT THE F**K?" but its what I believe.. and troll on it all you like..
To summarise, even though some people strongly disagree, I know within my heart that there is something out there helping, and guiding us. With a bit of faith and trust, things will be okay. Maybe I believe in all of it because I am scared and insecure? but either way believing in it, helps me alot and has helped me alot in the past.
Sooo I'm going to end my entry to this blog here, in the knowledge that there may be some more in depth entries regarding the subject. :)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Follow :)
So if your going to give me hate for writing about this, then stop reading :)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For anyone who actually knows what I am like....... they would most likely laugh at me for saying I am religious.... I know I have sinned alot.... but not in the way where I have gone out and killed someone..... just in the way of gone out and got drunk.... alot... etc.... but in my own view (in which alot of people think is wrong) I do not think that the bible that is written, works for the modern world that we live in today.... in which is why I have decided that instead of to take it word by word, to adapt it into the modern world that we live in today. Most religious people, and most people's thoughts about religious people are that they are strict and that they follow everything in there religion to the T etc.... but I don't think religion should be like that... I think that as long as you have faith that God is there, and to trust in him to give you opportunities, strengths and a life plan, and you show him your thankful for it all, as well as don't sin in the way of killing, hurting people and just doing nasty things, then surely that should be good enough?
In a way I am confused with what I believe in, as there are sooo many different religions and cultures out there, so many different names for the one "thing" that is helping to guide us, but then in a way I am not, I know what I truly believe in, I just don't really categorize myself as such.
I feel as though there is something... wherever that something is called God or not.... I feel as though there is something guiding me through life, and helping me through situations..... and to be honest, having that feeling, is comforting, to know that even if you are feeling so beaten down, there is someone there looking over you, and making sure things will be okay. I believe that God has given us all a path, and things that happen, will happen for a reason, in which we as individuals will analysis for ourselves.
I will admit now, I do pray everyday, because I believe that it is a way to show my trust and loyalty to God, and my own little faith.
Some people may say that there is no God, and that it is unfair if there is one because he causes so much pain in other parts of the world... and fair enough to them who think that, I respect what they believe in.... but at the end of the day, I don't believe that...... yeah there are some tragic events occurring in the world, but that does not mean God is not trying to help.... because with good comes evil, and as so I also believe there is some sort of Devil who tempts us, who is the reason why bad things happen. Unfair I know.
I feel that believing in God for me is helpful, and the thought makes me feel safe, even though there is bad out there, I have hope.
I do though understand why people would choose not to believe in it, due to all new scientific evidence and such.... and ironic as it is... I do also believe in the big bang and all that jazz.... but I believe that God made that all happen? Some of you who are reading this may be like "WHAT THE F**K?" but its what I believe.. and troll on it all you like..
To summarise, even though some people strongly disagree, I know within my heart that there is something out there helping, and guiding us. With a bit of faith and trust, things will be okay. Maybe I believe in all of it because I am scared and insecure? but either way believing in it, helps me alot and has helped me alot in the past.
Sooo I'm going to end my entry to this blog here, in the knowledge that there may be some more in depth entries regarding the subject. :)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Follow :)
Monday, 16 May 2011
The end comes.... time to prepare for a new start
Well I have not blogged for a few weeks, and now that it has come to the end of my first ever year at uni, and I am sat here.. doing pretty much nothing... I think now is a good time for a new post :)
Hasn't time gone fast!!
When I first started this page on Blogger, I was anticipating my A-level results, worrying about if I would get into Uni and if I didn't, what would I do? and if I do get in.. what would it be like? So many questions running through my mind... I was pretty much ready to leave home and start a new life somewhere else and start uni.... however I had only recently turned 18 when moving to uni, and had only just begun to experience life out on the town, in which I re-met people I once knew at secondary school, and created some strong bonds... which when the date of moving up to Derby came... I begun to not want to go... Which is most likely why for the first 3 months I was extremely unhappy. Reflecting back on my first years experience, and re reading posts... I have come on a very long winding journey, and have experienced situations I never thought I would have to go through alone, as well as discover that as a person I can be strong... who knows if it is a good thing to be able to put on a happy front and then be crashing inside, but being away from every security it is how I have learnt to deal with things. To be honest.. there are a load of things I would have done differently if I had the chance to... but what is done is done. I am glad that I have met the people I have, and am friends with the people I am friends with, because they are all incredible, and I would not change them for the world. <3
(I thought when writing this post some things wouldn't be the way they are right now.... but I guess there is another life lesson for you all... sometimes the little things and the petty arguments, mean a great deal more to some people than they do to you... and even when trying to not let it get in the way of a friendship... they just don't want to know.... all you can do then is to hope they come around, and everything will be back to normal....)
I was worried a lot about not doing well within actual Uni work, and am so glad that I have done okay, and have actually learnt and enjoyed it, instead of hating it and not understanding or knowing it all already.
I have missed home a lot since being at Uni, and in most of my posts it is obvious that I have... but I am glad that I didn't give up... and I kept on trekking through. As much as I missed the comforts and security's back home, having the opportunity to be able to create my own away from home, has been well worth while. I did not realise how much I would miss my little sister annoying the hell out of me, my mum being all over protective, and my dad being slightly awkward around me, and just being happy just sitting there not saying anything, but in fact the things I was dying to get away from, where the things I missed the most.... not having my little sister to annoy me by borrowing all my clothes, felt uneasy, not having my mum constantly ask where I am going, was strange, and to not have my dad rushing around not having time to speak, felt a little empty. But now there the things I smile and am happy about when I am home. :)
This first year even though half of it has been difficult, the other half has been AMAZING!
Sooo many amazing nights out, sooo many chilled days with people!
Just hope that second year will be twice as good! :)
The exams that I have just recently sat, have been tough and I am hoping that I have passed them all but......
Untill that post ;)
Follow! :)
Hasn't time gone fast!!
When I first started this page on Blogger, I was anticipating my A-level results, worrying about if I would get into Uni and if I didn't, what would I do? and if I do get in.. what would it be like? So many questions running through my mind... I was pretty much ready to leave home and start a new life somewhere else and start uni.... however I had only recently turned 18 when moving to uni, and had only just begun to experience life out on the town, in which I re-met people I once knew at secondary school, and created some strong bonds... which when the date of moving up to Derby came... I begun to not want to go... Which is most likely why for the first 3 months I was extremely unhappy. Reflecting back on my first years experience, and re reading posts... I have come on a very long winding journey, and have experienced situations I never thought I would have to go through alone, as well as discover that as a person I can be strong... who knows if it is a good thing to be able to put on a happy front and then be crashing inside, but being away from every security it is how I have learnt to deal with things. To be honest.. there are a load of things I would have done differently if I had the chance to... but what is done is done. I am glad that I have met the people I have, and am friends with the people I am friends with, because they are all incredible, and I would not change them for the world. <3
(I thought when writing this post some things wouldn't be the way they are right now.... but I guess there is another life lesson for you all... sometimes the little things and the petty arguments, mean a great deal more to some people than they do to you... and even when trying to not let it get in the way of a friendship... they just don't want to know.... all you can do then is to hope they come around, and everything will be back to normal....)
I was worried a lot about not doing well within actual Uni work, and am so glad that I have done okay, and have actually learnt and enjoyed it, instead of hating it and not understanding or knowing it all already.
I have missed home a lot since being at Uni, and in most of my posts it is obvious that I have... but I am glad that I didn't give up... and I kept on trekking through. As much as I missed the comforts and security's back home, having the opportunity to be able to create my own away from home, has been well worth while. I did not realise how much I would miss my little sister annoying the hell out of me, my mum being all over protective, and my dad being slightly awkward around me, and just being happy just sitting there not saying anything, but in fact the things I was dying to get away from, where the things I missed the most.... not having my little sister to annoy me by borrowing all my clothes, felt uneasy, not having my mum constantly ask where I am going, was strange, and to not have my dad rushing around not having time to speak, felt a little empty. But now there the things I smile and am happy about when I am home. :)
This first year even though half of it has been difficult, the other half has been AMAZING!
Sooo many amazing nights out, sooo many chilled days with people!
Just hope that second year will be twice as good! :)
The exams that I have just recently sat, have been tough and I am hoping that I have passed them all but......
Untill that post ;)
Follow! :)
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