An Update

Well I have not blogged since February!! and even then, those were mainly just video blogs and lyrics...
Not like anyone comes onto my blog constantly to see if I have updated anything... but thought I should maybe give an update on "The life story of Nessa" So if you are reading, enjoy :)

So my last personal post was 28th January so a good month and so ago... and re-reading it now, was a pretty in depth, heavy one... but since then things have changed I guessed.
Had a epic 2 weeks of depression, not wanting to come out of my room, went on long walks that led into the early mornings, missed lectures and just did nothing. But with the help of some friends and my mum, I got out of it, and realised "what the hell am I doing?" I realised that since coming to uni I had turned into some emotional wreck, and needed to re find who I once was. Which was helped by going back home on weekends, and having the goober of Chanita come up and stay... and I am going to say, I am close to finding myself again. I've blocked out everything that puts me down, and gone back in the mode of "why should I do things that make me unhappy" Because that's how I once was. I really do not care if people think that "Oh she does anything she wants" because yeah I do. As long as I'm not hurting anyone, I will go off and do what I want, because why would I stick around doing things I'm really not enjoying, when I could be doing things that I do enjoy? You only live this life once, and life is way too short to be un-happy and not do anything about it. Of course there are certain things that I'm blocking out, that I would like back in my life, but there is no point waiting on something that might not ever happen again. As long as I have my close friends and family, I'm not bothered, because there the ones that care, understand me, and are always there.

As with Uni work... It is piling up and getting harder to be honest, but its nothing too serious, and am sorting it all out, so that is all okay. When people ask me "how is uni going?" I always think about it and just reply "yeah its ok" but to be honest, it is amazing! Waking up in the early hours of the morning may be horrid and effort, but knowing that I am going in to do music, just makes it all that better. I remember the days in school from first school up to sixth form, knowing that if I had music that day, it would make the day so much better, and now I get to wake up everyday to that feeling, and its amazing :)
Only really got 5 weeks left of year 1 at uni.... which is exciting but scary at the same time. Next year shall be living in a new house with two amazing people, which will be amazing :) but also on the other hand, year 2 will be when the work really kicks in, and shall have to keep on top of it all, as it actually counts to the final mark!!
Still all exciting stuff :)

But yeah, not really sure what else to put really...
Shall start blogging more regularly again, because even if no one reads it, or cares, I find it fun :) And I do like to look back on it all, and think wow, I am glad things are different now. 

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Love these lyrics

If I stand too close I might fall in
But if I’m too far gone I’ll never win
If you believe in me I might just want to spend some time with you again
I’m afraid I tend to disappear into an anxious state when you draw near 
There is no reasoning it’s quite a silly thing 
But it’s the way I’ve been for years 
So I will understand if you don’t stay 
They say I’m great at first but then the magic fades 
Into an awful you of dismal views and pessimistic attitude 

All this distance years of sweet resistance 
Swirling over head like angry clouds of discontent 

I have apologised a billion times 
When I’ve gone off the wall like Busta Rhymes 
And pulled a stupid stunt that left you thinking there 
was something wrong with me you’ve thrown a few choice phrases at my way 
And I’ve ignored them all as best I could 
Except that tiny bit how I just can’t commit 
There is some truth in what you say 

All this distance years of sweet resistance 
Swirling over head like angry clouds of discontent 
If I stand too close I might fall in 
But if I’m too far gone I’ll never win 
If you believe in I might just want to spend some time with you again 
I spent some time with you again 
If I stand too close I might fall in 
But if I’m too far gone I’ll never win 
If you believe in me I might just want to spend some time with you again

It follows me everywhere..!!

THIS SONG...

Follows me everywhere i go... no lie or exaggeration!
I wouldn't mind so much if it didn't have such a sad connection to it..

First heard this song sitting in Airkixs in xscape... when me and Chanita decided to go and watch people sky dive inside... which was a good day... but him... the guy who was in control of the air pressure... caught my eye, we kept giving each other looks.... and then Chanita told me i should go up and talk to him... as there was a window to the room he was in... I plucked up the courage to go and speak to him.... even though i had no idea what to say... he saw me coming and the first thing that came to my head after saying hey was "do you need any experience to work here".... most properly the stupidest thing ever to say to the most gorgeous guy ever! After he spoke, i had no idea what he said, just that his eyes made me feel things I had never felt before. Then i went and sat with Chanita, who at this point was in tears of laughter at what I had said... we decided we had spent enough time in there and we should move on... but the thought of just leaving, without knowing if i would see this guy again did not make any sense... so out of pure adrenalin, got some paper went back up to him... asked shyly if he had a pen I could borrow, wrote down my number with the words "text me sometime" and gave it to him.... It was a long shot... he was absolutely GORGEOUS!! but 5 minutes later i got a text from him.

Since from then we txted every day... and learnt more and more about each other, and met up quite a bit.
It was amazing. I would go see him at Airkixs (where the song above would always be playing) and we would chat, and then would meet up after he had finished work.. as he didn't live in Milton Keynes we only saw each other when he was working. Which was okay. Fell for him hard!!!
But as a year passed, things got tense, and we began arguing alot, and he got into hard times. His mood would flip instantly, and would say really hurtful things. Until we had a massive fall out, and I deleted his number, in the past we have had massive arguments but this one was different, this had to be the end of it all and I told myself to get over him. He was amazing, had the most gorgeous eyes, made me laugh and feel safe... but sometimes you just have to let the things that make you happy go... even if sometimes the person that makes you happy may occasionally flip and be the most horrible person ever. We have spoken once since the massive fight.. but that's it.

This song, always reminds me of him, and all the memories... and everywhere i go, its always there, where if a band covers it at a gig, its a track on CD in a music experiment, or someone posts it onto facebook. On the plus side though it will always remind me of him, even if it does make me sad, as well as knowing that even if you fall for someone as much as i did, over time and with alot of determination you can get over something as big and intense as what me and him had.

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IM IN LOVE

After Jos showed me this new song from Avril, even though she basically advertises EVERYTHING she can fit in, just the song is just AMAZING!!!

<3

Letting it all out, most things that I deny, are the truth.

Don't have anything to actually blog about, unless its what is on my mind, and as I need a new blog, that is what I'm going to do. 

< WARNING >

This post will be personal

< WARNING >

At this point in my life, I guess I'm fairly content, have the days were I am happy and that nothing else matters, and then have those days where everything is shit, and there is no point. I think I mess alot of things up that could potentially make me happy. I know what I want in my head, its there, but as soon as it gets close, feels as though without knowing I just push it right away. Feel as though I just need someone to just guide me the right way, and not let me push them away, as much as I try. I think my worst fear is to get so far into something and then to come out hurt and lost... been there and don't want to go back there, would like for someone to show me that it wont have to be like that.

Though as much as I say all this and that I would like someone and that, I'm not sure if its the fear of getting hurt, but I don't think I could deal with a relationship right now. Would be nice for someone to be there, but then I think again I would be scared that they would end up hurting me, or that I would just end up being a bitch and letting them down. Who knows, maybe one day, there will be that one person who will come and prove me wrong?

I hate how that films and programmes when you were little always showed the story of girl meets boy, or boy meets girl and what ever happens at the start and in the middle, by the end they always live happily ever after, and that when you get older songs of boys wanting to catch bombs for you, travelling to the moon and back just to say they love you, but if you come out of that world and into reality, its nothing like that. It's just full of false images, and if there is one thing I will ever teach my children whenever or if I ever have any, would be that you need to have your heartbroken before it gets fixed, or to just stay away from everything and not to care, just live life and have fun with friends. 

I've always been jealous of a certain best friend (who I wont mention name) due to the fact that they have never really had any interest in boys, love, sex or anything like that, and they are the happiest person I have ever met, and as soon as they did get a boyfriend, it was like all the life was taken out of her. I wish some days that I would just not have any interest in boys and such.. 

I would like to stop, being that girl that is good to know for a while, but then all of a sudden its the wrong time, or if I have come sooner or later it would have been perfect, done being the girl falling for the wrong guys. Though there are certain people I don't and never will give up on...

This post is not all about boys though, because that's not the only thing on my mind at the moment. 

Uni is on my mind at the moment as well. 

Its a strange thought that within 4 months, first year will be over... 

I have learnt so much about myself and who I am, and over the next 2/3 years I will learn more. 

Its weird to think where I or the friends I've made whilst at uni will be?

Will I still know the people I know now? Would I have made it to the end? What will happen after uni? Will I be alone? 

As the person I am, security and reassurance is a big thing, even though I deny it sometimes, but it is. Just thinking about what will happen in the future, what it will be like, is an anxious thought. Yet knowing that at the moment I'm doing fairly well with uni work is a thought that I will make it to the end, and if everything turns into shit, I have the ability to just get away from everything and start new all over again. That thought is one that makes me feel less trapped. 

The question though, "experience uni life" What does that mean??? 

I'm done talking about things on my mind, some things should be left un-published

However do not get this post wrong, I am happy with my life, as things could be a lot worse! 

But with a few changes I could be a lot happier, but being happy is good enough. 

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Random quotes of the day 24/1/2011

These quotes were mainly said by me, Jos or Sophie and people on the TV :)

"GLEE NESSA!, GLEE!" - Jos

"Why would i want a burger when i have a steak" - Some guy from Tool Academy

"Im excited cant you see it in my pants?" - Jos

"PRINCE ALBERT" - Programme, The joys of teen sex

"Woman have the ugliest parts" - Sophie "but Mens parts are pretty freaky too!" - Me


"STRANGER DANGER, I shall just put the locks on" - Jos

"Lets live in the car :)" - Me


"CHHAAAAAAAAAAAVVV!!!...... oh no wait.... Asian" - Jos


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Last night out in the big MK (well until April) 20/1/2011

I know that this night happened almost nearly a week ago, but been way too busy to have time to blog about it!
This is the night:
Had training that night, so had to go straight from training to Chanitas, as like before was getting ready round hers :) 
It was an odd feeling training hard and then instead of going home to relax, going round to Chanita's was pretty darn tired when got round! But kept on going. Got glammed up, in which took no pictures this time, so going to have to describe the outfits, Chanita wore black shorts with a really nice black t-shirt and heels, and i wore a pink dress with heels :) Was very happy with how we looked. We went downstairs to say we were ready to be taken to town, in which Chanita's mum let us have a shot of this 25% maybe it was 20.... not sure... drink she had, however with no shot glasses just estimated how much a shot would be, after the count of 1,2,3, we both downed this stuff, in which it instantly burnt my throat and me and Chanita were unable to breathe it took our breath away! It kicked in fast, and felt very light headed. 
We got to the club, got some money out, and entered Groove, in which got drinks, and stood by a table, which we saw coupons for free drinks, so we went around stealing loads of coupons, in which we found new friends, who were funny, but strange, so we didn't stick around long! 
Bethany soon arrived and met us in Groove, which we got some more drinks and went onto the dance floor! In which there were two guys on the dance floor, one which was obviously trying to get with any girl that would have him, and then his friend who was a tad strange. They mooched around us for a while, until they got bored with us not paying them not much attention and wandered off, except the weird friend who stayed staring at me... but didn't think anything of it at the time.. 
We went back over to the bar to get some more drinks, in which Chanita noticed that the weird friend was following us and kept staring at me... in which we drunk our drinks really fast and ran off to Lloylds in which he followed but thought we had gone into the smoking area, so we escaped from him at that time.! However Lloylds as usual was DEAD, except the friends that we had made at the start were there on the dance floor, so went and partied with them for a while before heading back to Groove, in which we stood on the other side of the dance floor, but the two guys were back again, in which the desperate one tried it on with me, in which i was a bit like "Yeah im not interested, but she might be" pointing at Chanita. So he moved over to Chanita and begun to grind up on her, at first Chanita was a tad worried about the whole situation, but i told her it was okay and i would make sure she would be okay :) So she went on dancing with this guy, which made me happy. Whilst this was happening the weird friend came over and spoke to me, saying that he was sorry for being weird but that he thought i was really really pretty and that he just wanted to see if there would be a chance for him... in which i was already a bit freaked out a bit and said im not interested sorry, but your a nice guy. Bless him. 
SHOCK HORROR!
As i turned back round to see if Chanita was okay this guy had his tongue down her throat, in which when they stopped i looked at Chanita to make sure she was okay with what was going on, in which she was like a bit confused but said she was fine, so i turned around again and carried on dancing with Bethany, and then the next time i looked round this guy i do not know what he thought he was doing was pushing Chanita up against the speaker, in which i looked at Chanita and knew she was not happy about it, so was like alright that's enough, pushing him away. BUT NO this guy was not having it, until out of no where these two guys turned up and saved us! Then him and his friend stuck with us for the rest of the night and brought us a drink, which was a good, as they were both a laugh :) and saved Chanita from the weird Indian man who went up to Chanita and said "I know im ugly but just dance with me" HAHAHAA and then saved me when this guy tried to dance with me and i quickly came out with "Sorry, that's my boyfriend" and pointed to the cage fighter one as he was a bit more intimidating than his friend, which Chanita thought was pretty smooth when i did it (Y)  


The night was pretty damn good and we said goodbye to the two boys we had met and who had saved us from all the weirdos that were out in MK and got a taxi home


All in all it was a good night :)

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